We have been through some turbulent times in our nearly 17 years of marriage mostly all children related in one way or another.
I must confess I am still in a state of shock since the last little episode we were forced to endure.
Thanks to my psychotherapy training I have understood the barrage of emotions I have and am feeling right now.
It helps, yes, but the pain is not any less as I have to tolerate the feelings and thoughts taking up so much space in my head.
Gracie decided it was time for her to depart from our home back in November. Quite normal many would say as she is in her late teens. But her choice was to move in to foster care in to a place where she would be prepared for the outside world. ( I thought we were doing that or at least trying )
I never knew the depth of pain I would feel inside as all this began to happen.
Sleepless nights, crying every time I caught a few moments alone.
Could this little curly haired fresh face 3 year old have grown up and now change direction without looking back.
I have been painfully remembering happy times as she was growing up. Gracie always loved to sing and even sang to her hands or the wallpaper as a child. The singing continued even as she grew. I miss the singing.
The impact on Flossy and Lotty has been immense. They smelt a rat as it all blew up months ago.
Flossy has worried that she may be next to go, Lotty can't say what she thinks but her way of coping is she becomes impulsive and hyper.
Trying to keep normality in the family as much as we could, the day Gracie departed we both became really ill. Our bodies ached from the stress we had incurred and all we could do was give in and we both ended up in our sick bed for sometime.
Weeks have passed but it's no easier I keep thinking I am ok but I can cry at a drop of a hat. I just keep telling myself we can only do our best for our kids and they all have their own choices to make as they reach that certain age.
I am plagued with worry that I am a bad mum and have been a bad mum.
What squeezes that thought is times like Gracie and foster carer coming to collect some stuff and foster carer telling me what is best for Gracie's future. Stuff we have tried to get her to do and she wouldn't but it would seem for someone else she will.
What keeps me going is love. If I didn't feel such loss and heartache then there would be something to worry about.
I want the best for her and hope we can repair in time what is broken.
As for her she is living the dream it seems. She seems to be getting lavished with gifts and kindness so how could she not be happy.
Sadly this is where we see the outworking of attachment problems in many children and more often adopted children. An attached child would have maybe found it harder to leave their family.
I gain strength from God who is with me in my grief holding my hand reminding me this is only part of the story.
My other kids need me so I press on hold up my head.
Gracie is safe and happy things could have been worse.
We still see her she wants to keep her links. Time is the great healer.
Sadly as an adoptive parent there is not one professional called to see how we are coping. This situation is happening every day and adoptive parents are feeling they have totally failed. This is wrong.
I have good friends who are supporting me without them I would be lost.
